To a CISO – A Burns Night Tribute, by Duncan Brown

Wee, sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous beastie,
O, what a panic’s in thy breastie!

Ye dinnae ken whits comin’ next
Wi’ viruses from email and text

Yer memory’s blank, a total block
Wi’ scars from HeartBleed and ShellShock

Yer driven to frequent the boozers
By phishin’ links clicked on by users.

It wisnae like this years befor
Nae APTs and fancy bear

But noo there’s bad stuff everywhere
Sequel injection an’ ransomware

Wha’s next? Talktalk, Maersk, RB?
Quick! Check the logs! Oh no, it’s me!

The best laid schemes gang aft agley
Yiv just been creamed by Wanna Cry

Were ye hit again? Ye bet ya.
A thousand laptops bricked by Petya

An’ noo ye need tae hae a lie doon
Wi’ effin Spectre an’ soddin’ MeltDoon

An’ just when ye think yer gettin’ far
Someone mentions GDPR

It’s over noo, yiv met yer match
An’ a’ because ye didnae patch.

-Duncan Brown